Thursday, April 22, 2010

ARE YOU EVER LIKELY TO SAY….

“With seasonally adjusted temperatures we could eliminate winter…”

...THEN HERE ARE SOME CAUTIONARY TALES & THINGS TO DO DURING ELECTION 2010

What this blog is about.

Surveys, including those biggest surveys of all, General Elections, increasingly show that a growing number of people are turned off by politics. Thus a great many people will consciously and sub-consciously ignore the forthcoming General Election. But I believe that politics can be fun, funny, sometimes very funny and occasionally funny peculiar. And from time to time so funny if it wasn’t so sad.

This blog therefore aims to tool you up with essential facts, disarm you with some genuinely interesting trivia and finally to arm you once again by poking fun at the body politic, politics and politicians. Along the way you’ll be given things to do .

How this blog will help you.

When you really cannot take any more of Election 2010 ! Then, with any luck, you will be able turn to or recall at least something herein which casts an amusing light on that which has irritated you. And having read and absorbed all of the information in this blog you will be qualified for any or all of the following:

• Ambushing Sir Reg eMPey (in waiting) on a doorstep far from home;
• Ringing Wendy Austin and addressing the nutters on an equal footing;
• Heckling a soap box orator “Wee Jeffrey, we still canna see you!”;
• Redefining Einstein for the 21st century with Caitríona Ruane [E3=MC];*
• Writing erudite pompous prose in the local rag - stand aside Lord Trimble

But first a health warning….

This site will equip you for a political career and, unless you become a proficient practitioner, this will cause drowsiness in others. On no account let them operate machinery.

…..and a personal message from the Prime Minister


Dear voter

Hi, (flex jaw throughout)

I thought it important that you, as an individual voter, should know why I (toothy smile) as Prime Minister) want you to vote at the next General Election. Now please note that I didn’t ask you to vote for me (disarming grin); all I said was vote, you can’t vote for me in Northern Ireland anyway, heh heh. This is not a party political broadcast (hand on breast) rather these are my personal thoughts for you in the comfort of your own home (quizzical raised eyebrow) narrowcast I believe is the contemporary word.

I want to share one incredibly important fact with you (elbows on lectern hands outstretched, palms open). Quite simply the principle of one person one vote is the basis of our democracy (palms close and interlock fingers). If you, like I, believe passionately (hand on breast again) in democracy then please cast your vote on election day.

At the moment, I have the privilege (pause) of being on watch (pause)on the bridge in this great ship of state (pause)we call Brittannia. I want you to know (rhythmic reading), that following parliament’s dissolution, and during the period of the campaign, and whatever way the campaign unfolds (pause and raise chin) I will still be keeping a weather eye open.

Thank you.

Yours ever

Gordon Brown

Prime Minister


THINGS TO DO Number 1


Write to the Prime Minster pointing out that there is no obligation to hold elections on a Thursday. The use of Thursdays is a result of custom and practice only but not electoral law and the Prime Minister could choose otherwise. There are precedents. A General Election was held on a Tuesday on 27 October 1931, on a Wednesday on 15 Nov 1922 and 29 October 1924, and on a Saturday on 14 December 1918.

Explain that the election date of 5 May 2010 clashes with your six monthly dental appointment, or other such significant event and demand another date for the election.

File the bog standard no 10 response together with a copy of the original and in the event, always possible, of acid rain and volcanic ash and the Prime Minister co-incidentally switching the date you have in your possession an exclusive for the Belfast Telegraph.

Election Stunner. Tele reader pulls Gordon’s poll.


* E3=MC, Equality, Equality, Equality = Mixed Comprehensives

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